Mock da Rock

"You ain't seen the best of me yet ...Remeber my name - DWAYNE!"

Sure Plays a Mean Banjo

The casting director of new West Virginia-set horror flick 'Shelter' has been fired after putting out a call for extras with facial features that would make them look "inbred." Gov. Joe Manchin released a statement describing the casting call as "offensive." He added (allegedly) “I was looking forward to taking my wife and cousin to the premier as I had a spare ticket…”

Plastic Fantastic...

Website of the week.

For pure clarity of purpose my first in this semi-regular series of recommendations (weekly would seem appropriate given my subject title, me thinks) has to be…

http://www.howtoopenacoconut.com/

In case you tread water in the shallow end of the gene pool and still aint sparking to what this might be all about, the page header clarifies thus: “Learn how to open a coconut step by step with pictures!” Could just as well be called www.twatitwithahammer.com and I’m loving it.

Absinthe of Malice

So Marilyn Manson’s own-brand Absinthe – called with gut-busting hilarity “Mansinthe” – has been dogged by critics, one describing it in Wildean flourish as tasting like “…sewage, swamp mud and rubbing alcohol.” Try googling the brand and you even get re-directed to Googles Badware advisory page which warns: “Google has found that some portion of www.mansinthe.com/ contains or links to badware or otherwise violates Google's software guidelines.” How rock-n-roll is that!!

Of course Manson’s real name is Brian Hugh Warner, so perhaps he should have spent his time developing “Brodka” or low-alcohol “Warger”… Clown-faced twat! (Actually that’s quite a good brand name; might even make its way into everyday argot, as in “I’m off down the ‘Slug and Chav’ to get Clown-faced…”)

Raging Bullshite

Now that Spielberg has withdrawn his creative input from the Beijing Olympics over the Chinese regime’s Sudan stance (screw Tibet, Darfur is soooo now), my mischief-gland tempts me to suggest Eli Roth as a replacement. Any Olympic opening ceremony in the styleeee of ‘Hostel’ would make my 2k8.

Actually: no. That’s way, way too kitsch and more importantly would make that purveyor of turd-rate torture porn think he was in some way culturally significant. He’s not. Instead I’m thinking lets roll out the big guns and get Scorsese on the case – I’m certain he can stand up to Mia Farrow and if not he can send round Joe Pesci to scare the living snot out of her (“I'm the Oklahoma kid. You fuckin' varmint. Dance. Dance!”) This way we get an opening ceremony based on ‘Gangs of New York’ with the Five Points lovingly recreated in bamboo where The Dead Rabbits, The Bowery Boys and the Know Nothings slug it out with various Snakehead gangs whilst diminutive Bulgarian gymnasts re-enact the final act of ‘New York, New York.’ Don’t know about you, but I’m getting’ myself a ticket RIGHT NOW…

Forth Blood

“At last,” I hear no one cry, “'Rambo IV' is upon us!” Though to be pedantic for a moment isn’t this technically ‘Rambo 3’, as the first one was called ‘First Blood’ and the second one, rather than go for the obvious ‘Second Blood’, was called ‘Rambo’ (or to be totally accurate – and dull – ‘Rambo: First Blood Part II’)? Or something? In all likelihood they will now retrospectively “fix” this linguistic-lineage problem by renaming the first one ‘Rambo Part I, First Blood’), which I’m sure will help both Harold Pinter and Jonathan Miller sleep better – not together you understand, I’m not suggesting anything untoward, please don’t sue polymaths! I digress…

I hate, really disproportionately, irrationally (?!) hate this fad for messing with old film titles. ‘Star Wars’ is ‘Star Wars’ okay! NOT ‘Star Wars, Episode IV, A New Hope’, for the love of Luke!… ‘Episode IV’ tagged on I can almost take, ‘cos I understand that chronology can be tricky for today’s kids, right? But ‘A New Hope’ I. DO. NOT. THINK. SO. Lucas you twat. The bearded one is also responsible for the utterly clumsy ‘Indian Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark’. Stop messing with my childhood or I’m gonna come up to Skywalker Ranch and smack your head up with a Swing Ball ™. Again, I digress…

I had intended to rant about how shite “Rambo 4” was likely to be, but I’ve just heard it described as “Morally repugnant on a staggering level…” and I don’t think I can be arsed to top that. ‘Rocky Balboa’, I feel obliged to confess, turned out rather well though, despite the crushing darkness that came over me when I discovered that the robot butler from ‘Rocky V’ wasn’t going to be in it.

Say 'Hello' to his little friend...

Renown director Brian De Palma’s first foray into the potentially lucrative celebrity fragrance market – the release of his signature Homage for Men – has been met with a mixed response. Whilst ‘Vanity Fair’ conceded the scent “…Successfully combines notes of pink grapefruit, green apple, freesia, rose, pink lotus; with an after hint of cedar-wood, and musk”, trade magazine “The Perfumier” was harsher with its evaluation, stating simply that De Palmer had merely succeeded in “producing a limp imitation of Hitchcock’s classic 1960’s aftershave, McGuffin.”

We say: “Next time you’re Dressed to Kill Homage is well worth the Blow Out for that quick dab on The Untouchables.”

I now pronounce you Coleman and Wife

So that’s what Willis was talkin’ ‘bout – Gary has made an honest woman of lucky old Shannon Price, 18 years his junior but 18 inches taller. Wed on a mountain top in a private ceremony (was he expecting the paps up in helicopters?) Coleman reportedly stood proudly on top of the dizzying heights of the third tier of his own wedding cake to save on catering costs…

RIP Roy

Just the other day I caught a late-nighter of ‘Jaws 2’ and thought “Jeez – now this is a truly shite sequel” (witness all subsequent Jaws sequels to be fair though.), but boy does Scheider rock; ‘Marathon Man’, ‘Klute’, ‘Jaws’, ‘All That Jazz’, ‘French Connection’ (so good they named a clothing chain after it!) all kick ass – hell I’ll even throw in ‘Blue Thunder’, ’Naked Lunch’ and the oddly underrated ‘Cohen and Tate’. We can skip lightly over ‘SeaQuest DSV’ as that at least made people rush out and buy old Amiga computers to replicate that cool Light-Wave animation style (see also ‘Babylon 5’.) Schneidmeister we salute you…

Pork Fiction - One for the veggies

Sorry Mrs B. :(

Keepy Uppy

KPow

Pulped Friction